is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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