I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
