Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
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