i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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