Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
