I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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