the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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