I heard we made out
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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