Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
