If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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