I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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