last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
