I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
