I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Hippo gnu deer
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
