So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
