There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
