when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
