he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
