i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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