I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
