Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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