What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
