i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
