the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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