Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Randomize
