My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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