Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
