Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
