I want to have your abortion
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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