My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
