you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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