I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
