His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
