if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
