I am puke
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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