I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize