Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
