Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
