i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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