First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
