I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
