I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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