I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize