I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
