$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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