Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
