I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
