: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
