Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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