we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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