i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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