I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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