now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Drunk is a universal language darling
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