Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
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