Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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